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How To Deal With Psychopaths If you leave the psychopath, you can expect that he will either be the type who doesn't make any "noise" but ruins your reputation by spreading lies, or you can expect a lot of open manipulation (a final attempt to gain power and control).
For example, I left a psychopath, and to this day, if given the opportunity, he will tell friends to
warn me that I am nothing but a "bug" on his windshield and that he has the ability to destroy me
like an insect. Meanwhile, he has also spread false stories about me to anyone who'll listen. Why
does he do this? After dealing with this annoying behaviour for nearly two years, I've come to a
conclusion: Even though they cannot really love another person, and lack real deep-seated
emotions, psychopaths relate to others through power and control. If someone should actually
attempt to "demean" (in his eyes, this is very real) his power and control, he will react to some
extent. The psychopath also made himself appear in control by stating that he "kicked" me out,
even though he lived in his mother's house. Later on, he also told my friend that I was nothing but
an "experiment" to him, after I had lost money, time, and suffered immensely because of his lying
and manipulation. By suffering, I also count extreme depression which lasted nearly two years, as
he did not stop attacking me in the two years after (even to this day) that I left him.
I believe that some individuals are strong enough to stand up to the psychopath; unfortunately, not
all people are, and most psychopaths succeed in permanently damaging their victims. This is why
we clearly need more support groups for people who have been in relationships with psychopaths.
In sum, the experience of dealing with a psychopath can be very troubling for most people, not to
mention, when he is through with you, you can be sure that you will be vilified falsely, no doubt
about it.
I recently asked Field about what one can do when faced with the lies of a psychopath (Field
refers to them as sociopaths) and the apparent absence of justice when it comes to their
behaviour - - Field's response was:
"The main lesson I have learnt is that when dealing with a sociopath, the normal rules of etiquette
do not apply. You are dealing with someone who has no empathy, no conscience, no remorse,
and no guilt...It is a completely different mindset. Words like 'predator' and 'evil' are often used."
If you try to deal with psychopaths in an ethical manner, you will be in for a shock. Dr. William
Higgins claims that you "can't negotiate or bargain with psychopaths."
Psychopaths will not only deny the past and trivialize it, but will avoid answering your questions
directly, and even if they seem to answer them -- you can be sure that it's not the answer you
were looking for. It has been said that even when they do give you a straight answer, the real issue
will never be addressed by them, although they may even claim to be honourable when it suits
them. But don't be fooled, for this is where the psychopath wants his victim -- he wants to shame
you while at the same time fitting you into his plans; this is because "psychopaths show a
stunning lack of concern for the devastating effects their actions have on others. Often they are
completely forthright about the matter, calmly stating that they no have no sense of guilt, are not
sorry for the pain and destruction they have caused, and that there is no reason for them to be
concerned." [Hare, 41].
On the other hand, "psychopaths sometimes verbalize remorse but then contradict themselves in
words or actions." [Hare, 41].
Psychopaths may apologize or show remorse only to get away with something, but in the end you
will be stabbed in the back and realize how very shallow their words were.
The psychopath appears not to be able to remember what they had said or committed to for very
long. They seem to always be living in the present. That is why they are usually guilty of being big
"promise- makers" who cannot live up to their word. Once again, it will be the victim who must
deal with the aftermath of all the psychopath's twists and turns, and when he gets you angry
enough, you will be discredited as "defective" by him, and the psychopath will often make himself
out to be the real victim. As John Wayne Gacy once said, "I was the victim, I was cheated out of
my childhood."
What often happens in the aftermath, as Field has stated, is that the victim may repress his or her
anger for a quite a while, but then, often many months later, a sudden realization of the truth may
come over the individual, and the victim will finally realize that all along he/she has been bullied by
the psychopath. This is when the victim suddenly becomes very angry and is motivated to have
some sort of justice. But when trying to obtain justice with a psychopath, be aware that you will
be the one to pay if you don't take a firm stand; the experience will have you more confused and
bewildered, and you may even feel tempted to fight fire with fire.
In some cases, our society allows psychopathy because we do not really fight back against
cheating and lying behaviours (one good example: Bill Clinton).
They are also good at tricking their own psychiatrists. For instance, two individuals I knew bragged
that they liked to play mind-games with psychiatrists. "I was the case-study; they could never
figure out what was wrong with me, so I would just play mind-games with them" commented one
of them.
He also learned, from reading about psychiatry and having therapy, that he could just "blame
someone else" to get away with things. "I just blame someone else" he said, nonchalantely.
When asked, in particular, why he hated his mother so much, (he claimed she
physically/mentally/emotionally abused him), he replied, "Because my mother projects all of the
assholes she's ever been dumped by on me."
That is why Hare believes that therapy makes psychopaths worse; most of them learn about
human emotions through psychiatry, and they are "eager to attribute their faults and problems to
childhood abuse." [Hare, 50]. Also, "antisocials (psychopaths) themselves can be uncooperative
or unpleasant, complicating efforts to study and treat them." [Black, 12].
As for recovery from the psychopath, despite the pain that may be left (some people never recover,
according to Field), you will learn how very uncomplicated yet cowardly the psychopath's means
of keeping cool is. It's just the way the psychopath must function to maintain their rather fragile
(but set in stone for life) self-image.
While few psychopaths commit violent crimes, the callousness of the average psychopath usually
ranges through subtle, but still devastating misdeeds: "Parasitically bleeding other people of their
possessions, savings, and dignity; aggressively doing and taking what they want; shamefully
neglecting the physical and emotional welfare of their families; engaging in an unending series of
casual, impersonal, and trivial sexual relationships; and so forth." [Hare, 45]. This is a main
feature of their lack of empathy.
Also, be forewarned that the psychopath will expend much effort (at the victim's cost), in setting
up plans, expectations, etc., but they give very little, or nothing, in return.
When he knows he's done something to you which you may not comply with, he'll have an escape
route ready. Most normal people do the same thing, in a general sense, but the psychopath does
it out of pure selfishness, greed, and callousness. He won't care whether it hurts your feelings or
not, whatever treachery he enacts will not be disguised once the show is over with him.
I would like to recount the experience of a friend of mine from Japan. She had been
communicating with a man who lived in San Diego for over a year, and during the time of their
correspondences and phone calls, he seemed so "sweet, caring, and kind." She mentioned how
beautifully written his emails were, and so on.
It came to pass that this man asked my friend to marry him, and, to top it off, he promised her
that he had a job ready for her in the city where he lived, he even sent her a letter from the
company with all the information. Well, my friend believed him and came to the United States to
marry him. On their first meeting, she mentioned how it was already the beginning of the end, and
how she should have seen it coming. She told him, after they met at the airport, that she needed
to make a phone call, and instead of letting her use his cell- phone, he told her to use the
pay-phone. My friend, albeit naive, mentioned that this contradicted his persona on the phone and
through emails. She said she was a bit shocked, but nevertheless she married him.
As the weeks went by, things got worse. She found out that there was no job, and that the letter
he had sent her was actually just the letterhead from the company copied onto another paper. In
other words, her new husband had committed forgery in order to trick her. Next, she began to
receive phone calls from women in the Phillipines and Canada who told her that her new husband
had been inviting them (via online) to come and live with him. My friend was so distraught that she
told these women over and over that he was lying to all of them while playing the biggest trick of
all on her. The women didn't believe it (why do women tend to disbelieve another woman when
they are trying to warn them?), but eventually, my friend told them "If you want to see the proof
that I am married to him, then come here and I will prove it."
Eventually, she learned from friends and family that Mr. Wonderful was a pathological liar who had
a long history of using women and having his mother cover his tracks for him, and, sad to say, this
wasn't the only one she ran into. I can say the same, that is why I've written this website, because
I can tell you that these people are out there, and I don't want anything to happen to anyone else
or go through what my friend or myself have experienced. It is my goal that through my website,
more people, not only women, but men, will become informed and not become victims
themselves, because it is truly a painful experience to deal with.
So, what is the lowdown on dealing with psychopaths?
Either avoid them, or, once you know or suspect what they are, avoid them.
Any further contact with a psychopath will be truly damaging. Once you have been involved with a
few of them, like many people I know, you also learn to watch for the "red flags." This doesn't
mean you should be paranoid about people, just careful.
The fact is, regardless of all studies and new therapies, psychopaths are "hard-wired" for life-long
bad behaviour.
Leland M. Heller, M.D., writes that people who have this disorder have symptoms which include
lying, cheating, cruelty, criminal behaviour, irresponsibility, lack of remorse, poor relationships,
exploitation, manipulation, destructiveness, irritability, aggressiveness, and job failures.
Many do not exhibit criminal behaviour, but act antisocially in socially acceptable professions.
Alcohol makes the disorder worse, and psychopaths are very prone to substance abuse. The
causes are often "poor parental discipline, association with "bad" kids, and poor bonding with
parents..." [Heller, 75]. But the causes can also be mostly biological.
Another characteristic is their unusual word usage, because they can't distinguish between neutral
and emotional words. One psychopathic individual told me that he was "deftly afraid of needles"
once, but the word deftly implies "skill." Instead of saying "deathly afraid," he said "deftly," and
never noticed it was wrong. (See Hare's book for more interesting examples of this).
Strangely enough, many find the psychopath's verbal deftness quite charming, and psychopaths
do tend to talk a lot, especially when they're pouring on the charm.
The question is, can you spot one before they get to you?
That is why it's important to study whether or not you may be the type who falls for them, who, in
essence, becomes prey to believing in them.
Some people may find concern over psychopathy irrelevant, but it's not.
Psychopathy causes tremendous damage in our society, and affects all levels of our lives. It
causes illnesses and disorders such as PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Money is also lost
by innocent victims to psychopaths, and these social predators also do much economic damage
to our society.
Everyone, especially women, should learn to identify psychopathy and watch for red flags. This
doesn't mean diagnosing every man you date, but preferably just being aware of the disorder can
help out a lot! After my own experiences, I truly believe in the saying "better safe than sorry."
I will empasize once more that I do believe most women transfer what they want to believe onto
the psychopath, to the extent that he is painted in an unrealistic light, so psychopaths can also
"play with your mind" in this regard.
Most victims of the psychopath only see what they want to see, initially. That is why Field says,
"Naivete is the great enemy."
Many also "cling to the belief that their loved one (the psychopath) simply has a few problems just
like anyone else, not the symptoms of a personality disorder." [Black, 59].
In the book When Your Lover Is a Liar the issue of psychopathy and how psychopaths manipulate
women is also pointed out.
The author believes that a psychopath's greatest thrill is just being able to "pull the wool" over a
woman's eyes.
For people who are emotionally normal, we cannot understand what kind of thrill this is or why
some of them would go to such lengths in order to trick someone. But as Dr. Heller states,
"psychopaths feel no remorse, and actually enjoy their antisocial behavior." (Heller, 76).
Also, what I believe makes them most dangerous, is that they can be quite charming and
persuasive, and "they have remarkably good insight into the needs and weaknesses of other
people" as recounted in the text, Psychology In Action: "Even when they are indifferent to the
rights of their associates, they are often able to inspire feelings of trust and confidence." This is
best exemplified by a psychopath who professes that "everything is fine" while lying point-blank to
your face with seeming honesty and candor, and then, as soon as you turn away for a second, he
will stab you in the back.
In the end, you will know them "by their fruits" so to speak. They will be sure to let you know
who's boss. As one female victim recounted in Hare's book Without Conscience... she couldn't
understand how someone (the psychopath she had known) could have wormed his way into her
life and then just disappeared so easily. This is how they operate. They just don't give a damn
about anyone. Except themselves.
Another very strong characteristic to look for (or listen for) is what Dr. Hare refers to as "duping
delight." It is as if the psychopath has no need to lie or purpose in lying, the pleasure is attained
through merely pulling one over on somebody.
As for addictions and so forth, "among the clearest of these links is the one between ASP
(psychopathy) and the abuse of alcohol and other drugs," [Black, 91], although most psychopaths
would never admit they have a drinking problem, even when it's obvious. As one psychopath put it,
"I know how to drink. Drinking is a responsibility, I've been doing it since I was 12."
So, once again: Can psychopaths change? Can you change them?
No, they choose to behave as they do, even though, to some extent they do have a personality
disorder. Dr. Black, however, believes that even those patients who "show the greatest change
seem unable to comprehend the degree to which their actions affected those around them. They
may continue to live in emotional isolation. Self-interest is a natural component of the human
makeup, but it is especially strong in antisocials and leaves many of them unable to develop full
compassion, consience, and other attributes that make for successul social relations." [Black,
144].
"Don't Expect A Miracle" In consequence, whether or not they can't or don't desire to change, studies have shown that they
won't change, in general, so don't waste your time trying to help or change them, for the help you
offer will always be repaid to you in full by treachery.
Black also believes that "victims may fear revenge or other potential consequences, but leaving
the abusive situation (with a psychopath) is often better than trying to survive in a relationship built
on intimidation and violence." [Black, 185].
Personally, I also believe that it's better to not accept meager crumbs of fake affection from a
psychopath. No one needs that kind of abuse. If you keep taking that abuse, I can grant you that
you will pay for it both mentally and emotionally, for a very long time. The end result is what is
referred to as having been psychologically battered.
Some people, feeling that they need to save others (co-dependents), and perhaps a bit proud in
their need to prove a point, often fall prey to psychopaths because they refuse to believe the truth.
I also wanted to make note that some psychopaths appear to show some insight into their own
personality make-up ("I'm a jerk," etc.); however, this does not really mean that they care how
they behave. They choose to behave this way.
The aftermath of dealing with these individuals and the recovery process can be a "long, slow and
painful process" according to Field - - but one must remember that if you have been a victim
(target) you are only the "latest in a long line of people onto whom he (the psychopath) had to
displace his aggression. He will probably do this throughout his life."
Sad to say, "antisocials (psychopaths) often spend their last years alone, sometimes plagued by
regret for what they never knew they were missing until it was too late." [Black, 89].
Do I find this a sad fact? Yes. It is very sad and I find it extremely unfortunate that there are people
who live their lives this way. But like I mentioned before, as I cannot emphasize this enough: no
matter how much pity or compassion you may have for a psychopathic individual, don't try
"saving" them. It will only hurt you in the end. As my friend from Japan stated, "(These people) just
don't care whether what they do may ruin your life! They can ruin your life!"
Hare's PCL-R 20-item checklist Hare's PCL-R 20-item checklist is based on Cleckley's 16-item checklist, and the following is a
discussion of the concepts in the PCL-R: 1. GLIB and SUPERFICIAL CHARM -- the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and
verbally facile. Psychopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say
anything. A psychopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social
conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.
2. GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH -- a grossly inflated view of one's abilities and self-worth,
self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Psychopaths are arrogant people who believe they
are superior human beings.
3. NEED FOR STIMULATION or PRONENESS TO BOREDOM -- an excessive need for novel,
thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Psychopaths
often have a low self- discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored
easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that
they consider dull or routine.
4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING -- can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd,
crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded,
unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.
5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS- the use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or
defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and
callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of
one's victims.
6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT -- a lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and
suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic.
This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one's victims.
7. SHALLOW AFFECT -- emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal
coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.
8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY -- a lack of feelings toward people in general; cold,
contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.
9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE -- an intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial
dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin
or complete responsibilities.
10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS -- expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience,
threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.
11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR -- a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous
affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships
at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking
great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.
12. EARLY BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS -- a variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft,
cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running
away from home.
13. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS -- an inability or persistent failure to develop and
execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.
14. IMPULSIVITY -- the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or
planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without
considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.
15. IRRESPONSIBILITY -- repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as
not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing
to honor contractual agreements.
16. FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS -- a failure to accept
responsibility for one's actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness,
antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this
denial.
17. MANY SHORT-TERM MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS -- a lack of commitment to a long-term
relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including
marital.
18. JUVENILE DELINQUENCY -- behavior problems between the ages of 13- 18; mostly behaviors
that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or
a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.
19. REVOCATION OF CONDITION RELEASE -- a revocation of probation or other conditional
release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.
20. CRIMINAL VERSATILITY -- a diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person
has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes.
From: An American Obsession ... the Psychopath
I wish to educate and warn you the reader of some of the more common signs that the person in
question -- usually a male -- is someone you should detach from...and quickly! The sooner you
can detect a troublesome person, the better off you will be. One quick check is your placement of
him/r on the asshole scale. Now remember, not every jerk or idiot is necessarily psychotic!
However, the psychopath is an extreme form of the "asshole" personality type, they've just learned
to conceal it most of the time and appear to be "nice, charming" people. They are developmentally
stuck in their early years, still fighting the battles of authority and parental control over them!
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